


Blood and Bone

by Moro



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Abstract, Betrayal, Crying, Depressing, Implied Character Death, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mild Gore, Misery, Psychological, Sad, Short, Soul-Crushing, Spoilers, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-08
Updated: 2013-04-08
Packaged: 2017-12-07 20:58:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/753009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moro/pseuds/Moro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The hand of Eva is Shinji's hand.  The blood between Eva's fingers, between his.<br/>The face of an Angel destroyed.</p><p>SPOILERS for Neon Genesis Evangelion up to episode 24.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blood and Bone

**Author's Note:**

> Abstract and vaguely surreal.

           The smell permeates the air.  Coppery tang of blood, sickly sweet of LCL (although Shinji has always felt that LCL smells of blood on its own.)  Central Dogma is unbearably still, quiet, the pool ceased rippling.  Lilith watches, unfeeling, unthinking.

           Silence breaks with a pneumatic sound as the plug ejects.  The third drops listlessly to the floor, splashing LCL around his feet.  Eva's hand looms above him, blood stickily coating the massive fingers.  Unsteadily the pilot moves toward the pool, LCL splashing noisily with every step.  The sound feels vulgar in the empty silence. 

           For now, he feels too hollow, too drained, for tears.  He kneels in the pool, hands groping blindly.  So close the blood is visible mixed with LCL, a muddied liquid painting that makes him choke down bile rising in his throat.  Somewhere in the pool are the shattered remains of the body and he hopes he does not come upon them.

           No one has come yet.  He can still have this.

           "Why did you do this to me?" he murmurs, his voice hoarse.  His hands find what they seek.  He lifts the head from the LCL.

           "You were the only one...who ever said you loved me."  Cradles the head in his arms like a child, presses his fingers into the stained silvery hair.  The 17th Angel's face is still as beautiful as it was in life.  His eyes are closed delicately, lips slightly parted.  So peaceful he looks almost like he could be sleeping, but for the ragged strips of flesh and bone his neck becomes.

           Shinji breaks into choked sobs.  Tears fall into the LCL, into the Angel's hair.  He shudders violently.

           "Kaworu..."

           Shinji brings Kaworu's head up to his face and kisses the cold lips.  It tastes of blood, and LCL, and his own tears—he feels sick but he can't bring himself to care.  Harsher racking sobs shake his small form, he clutches the head and buries his face in the soft silver hair.

           "Kaworu..." The name, a mantra.  As if by saying it enough, he could restore life to his fallen Angel.

           "Why…why did you betray me…?” Trembling, clinging desperately to the only thing he has left, of the first to ever grant him love, tears flowing more torrentially than he ever thought possible.  A purity of grief.

           Footsteps. Distant muttering.  In a moment he won't be alone.  Deep breaths, working to steady himself.  He stands shakily, head still held close to his chest, and walks to the base of the looming crimson cross.

           Reverently he places the head beneath the silent god.  Carefully arranges the Angel's hair again, in imitation of his living beauty.  Shinji gazes at his face; his throat feels torn and dry.  Leans in one final time, and murmurs, brokenly:

           "I love you."

           and then, even more softly:

           "I'm so sorry."

~ * ~ * ~

           That night, Shinji’s dreams fill with the scent of blood and the snap of bone.  He cries out wordlessly, tries to shut the awful visions out, to close his eyes tighter and block the sound of wet splintering bone, sickening crunch, thick wet splash over and over and over the head of the Angel falling from Eva's hand, from _his_ hand.  The blood and viscera spurting through the fingers, clinging to _his fingers_ , and he can’t, can’t shut it out, can’t escape from it.

           He wakes suddenly, and stumbling to the bathroom, vomits until his throat burns and his sides ache with every shuddering breath.  Staggering back to his bed, he collapses.  His limbs feel numb and useless. 

           Tears come again, first slowly, then overtaking him.  Each sob seems to amplify the acid searing his throat, and his stomach burns, but once it’s begun he can’t stop.  He screams helplessly.  Outside a stray cat yowls mournfully and dashes away.  He briefly wonders if Misato is home, if she can hear him, and hates himself for his selfishness. 

           He cries until no sounds come out, just a strained gasping.  He grasps his throat; his eyes sting fiercely, everything, _everything_ hurts. 

           “Why…why, I’m so sorry…” like a fervent prayer, though his voice is strained and scratchy, faint.  “I’m so sorry, Kaworu.”

           Curled up like an infant, Shinji holds his head in his hands, shaking.  He’s done what was asked—expected—of him.  He’s piloted Eva and destroyed the enemy, saved the world from destruction yet another time, and yet.  But there’s no one to tell him that what he’s done is right.

           And nothing inside him feels right.  He sees Kaworu’s kind smile whenever he closes his eyes, those brilliantly beautiful red eyes that promised all the love in the world.

**_Why did you kill him?_ **

_I had no choice!_  he shrieks silently.  _He was an Angel, our enemy…_

**_So, you killed him because he was an Angel?_ **

_Yes! If I hadn’t killed him…everyone would have…_

**_He told you he loved you._ **

_Stop it!_

**_Why would you kill someone who loved you?_ **

_But he…he lied to me…_

**_An Angel cannot love?_ **

_He was…Kaworu was…_

**_Born to meet you?_ **

           And alone, he weeps for the enemy who should never have been.


End file.
